The Perfect Plateful

  I don't like to seem as tho I do not appreciate my blessings. But, sometimes things are tough. I sugar coat it, if I talk about it because I don't like to seem a victim but, a survivor. This has not always benefited  me as my strength to a less charitable person is read as lack of caring about something. I haven't yet figured out the balance. So, when I talk about something publicly I tend to sound like I have it, mostly, together.

  Recently, I have begun to feel as if I am the only one who is a mess, or whose house is. I am not the most organized person, and while I am trying to get it all purged and situated, it is no there yet. But, I read everyone profile and see pictures of their homes and they all look like perfect little housekeepers. I am so envious. Why didnt I get that gene?  

  You see I came from a family where my mother kept everything perfect. I mean if you searched the back corner of her least used closet you would not find a speck of dust. But, I honestly cannot remember doing anything fun with her. My childhood memories are of her in the kitchen, cooking, cleaning, sewing. Now, I do appreciate how nice everything always was tho. But, I wanted to have my priorities to be different. I have never been skilled enough to be able to do it all, so I unintentionally had to choose.

  So, now I come to this past Christmas. My parents were talking about my mom's mom and her last Christmas.  I had never put it together before but, that would have been the time we were at her house and she threw me bodily out of the kitchen. You see she was a perfectionist and wanted the perfect last Christmas, all the best decorations and food, everything looking just so. But, what she didnt realize is that the perfect Christmas came with the price of her only granddaughter remembering her as a mean old woman. I imagine she was more than that. I dont remember the exact reason, I'm sure I was doing something annoying as many 8-9yo little girls can do.  Back then, no one would have explained that Grandma was very sick, and to please be more aware. Of course even if someone did would I have understood?

   It wasnt until this past December that I realized, she didnt feel well and was pushing herself physically to make Christmas wonderful. But, you know what? neither I nor my 4yo brother would have cared if we had the perfect decorations or food. I might have remembered her fondly if that last Christmas had been spent more low key, less worry on the perfection, more emphasis on love and affection.

  I dont know what my children truly got from their childhood. But, I hope it is love, caring, acceptance, the knowledge that they are important and special, that I am here if they need me. I don't have to be perfect anything. I just dont want to miss a moment to make a good memory. For me or them. What if it is that last thing they remember about me?